


Put that garlic back where it came from or so help me

by violentcheese



Series: Reluctant Vampirism and other 'Minor' Inconveniences [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Crack, Eggsy is a vampire and doesn't know it, Gen, Merlin helps Eggsy, Oblivious Eggsy, Swearing, This Is STUPID, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 21:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4321437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentcheese/pseuds/violentcheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by this post on tumblr: http://tinyurl.com/ospng94  (links to the post on my blog), Eggsy is bitten by a vampire and doesn't realise it- why is he having an allergic reaction to garlic? Why can't he enter Merlin's workshop unless he's invited? Why don't his Snapchats to Roxy show his face anymore??</p><p>Dracula isn't as funny when you're him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Put that garlic back where it came from or so help me

Gunshots ring out around the cramped, dank alley. Eggsy, sequestered behind the dumpster as he is, swears softly and begs Merlin to find a way out. 

"Come on, Merlin, I'm cornered here. Tactical retreat is not an opti- Ow! Mother _fucker_!" curses the young Gawain. Looking up from reloading the Rainmaker, he squeaks, tensing. Merlin is asking Eggsy what the fuck is going on, but he isn't answering. The alley is silent, not even another's breath bar Eggsy's to fill the void. Heart beating fast, Eggsy raises a hand to his neck- to the two neat puncture wounds layered above his carotid. 

Presumably put there by the oddly pale woman who is just inches from Eggsy's face. 

Her eyes are a brilliant green, just like Gawain's. Lured in by those two shining emeralds, the youngest Knight sways closer to her, finding his mind won't kick into gear. Merlin is shouting at him now, and his questions are good ones, if Eggsy was in any state to form coherent thoughts. Who is she? Where are all the hostiles? What the fuck is Eggsy doing and why won't he just fucking shoot her already?

Oh. Right. Yes, shooting. Muscle memory doesn't require coherency, a fact Eggsy is detachedly thankful for as he brings up his right arm and blasts the strangely alluring woman in the face twice. Shaking off his daze, Eggsy scrambles to his feet. A quick tap to the arm of his glasses mutes Merlin after a muttered "I'm fine." And well, Merlin has one of his questions answered as his charge limps out of the alley. Corpses litter the ground, necks at odd angles on every single one of them. Clamping a hand over the wounds sluggishly bleeding out onto his neck, Eggsy takes off for the safe house. His cover's been burned as it is. 

****

Eggsy doesn't tell anyone about the bite. By the time he's reached the safe house, they've disappeared. Only the twin tracks of rust-coloured blood indicates that there was anything there at all. Eggsy marks it off as just another component of the fucked up mission and promptly falls asleep for the next 36 hours.

Merlin is furious with him when he checks in, raving about safety protocols and how he's damned lucky that new life sign transmitter had been fitted before this mission or else Merlin would have sent Roxy to rescue him, and wouldn't that be pleasant when she found out you were FUCKING ASLEEP?? A genuine apology in a meek tone calms Merlin right down, the wizard signing off with a, "Don't do that to us again, lad. Harry near had an aneurysm when you didn't respond. See you in eight hours." Eggsy figures he's forgiven and with that rush of relief he forgets about the weird ninja assassin woman and the bite marks. 

****

Eggsy spends a lot of his time in the gymnasium as it is. Discovering that Kingsman had their own gymnastics setup made sure that his free time was eaten up with flips and twists, mad trampoline manoeuvres and crazy stunts on the horse that leave any gathered recruits and Knights stunned. It's not really a surprise to see Eggsy indoors, is all. However, Roxy corners him one day, annoyed. 

"You haven't run the obstacle course since you got back from That Mission," she accuses, eyes narrowing. "Merlin's made me run it three times. Not that I particularly hate it, but how are you getting off so lightly?" 

Eggsy frowns at his best mate. She's smaller than him in her riding boots but her presence more than makes up for that. To be honest? He's a little jealous of how she commands the room with one sweeping gaze. He shrugs. 

"I dunno, Rox. Last time I tried I got wicked sunburn, I couldn't bloody well lie on my back for the next two nights. Maybe I'm makin' up for it in the gym?" 

Yeah, Eggsy doesn't believe that either. Roxy rolls her eyes and hipchecks Eggsy on her way past. 

"I don't care. Put some sunscreen on the next time. We're running it tomorrow before I go to Jakarta." 

Eggsy takes her advice and finds that it works. Sunny days are rare in London though, so he doesn't think about it too much. Most people need sun cream when it's sunny out, right? 

****

"Harry. Haarrryyy. Haaaaaryyyyyyyyyyy," Eggsy sing-songs tipsily, easily holding up the older man where he's slumped against his protegé's shoulder. Huh. That's new too, Eggsy muses. Normally holding up Harry is a chore. Weightlifting in training has been easier these days as well. Eggsy chalks it up to his growing fitness and forgets about it. Harry simply can't handle a night on the town like he used to, is all. Eggsy digs about in Harry's inside pocket for the key to the elder's townhouse. It is there that he is confronted by the long expanse of Harry Hart's neck. 

Eggsy swallows hard. 

"Hurry up," Harry slurs against Eggsy's shoulder. "Please," he tacks on as a gentlemanly afterthought. 

"Sorry, bruv. Have an awful craving, s'all..." Eggsy licks his lips, unable to pull his gaze away from the lightly tanned flesh. God, has Harry always smelled so damn good? Probably. Eggsy does his best to push down his attraction to his mentor, shutting his eyes for a moment. Eggsy's practically parched, he has an insatiable thirst that could only be quenched by getting his lips on Harry's neck... 

And god they're both too drunk for these kinds of thoughts. Eggsy roughly opens Harry's front door, makes sure he gets to bed without braining himself on the banisters and flees like a bat out of hell. Fuck. He's glad Harry won't remember the getting home portion of their night in the morning. 

****

Eggsy's stuck. 

Literally, feet-glued-to-the-floor, cannot move an inch, stuck. 

And he's pissed about it. 

"Merlin!" he yells through the door to his handler's workshop. "Merlin! Turn off whatever you've got on to keep us out! Jesu- For go- Fuckin' 'ell, let me in!" (That's a new development too, Jesus's name getting caught in his throat. Weird.)

"You're perfectly capable to stepping through that _open_ door by yourself, Eggsy. I haven't got time for your games today, lad," Merlin growls. They've been going back and forth like this for the better part of twenty minutes and Egssy _is still fucking stuck_.

"Oh really?" Eggsy snaps back sarcastically, steadily reddening. "Is that why I feel like I'm walking into a glass sheet anytime I so much as _inch_ through the doorway? Come on, Merlin, s'not fair! I've already got some weird allergic reaction goin' on from the garlic Mum used at lunch earlier. I don' need you makin' me more miserable." 

Merlin pauses. 

"Allergic reaction to garlic?" asks the bald man, straightening and turning to face Eggsy. "Are you still thirsty? You were complaining about that a few weeks ago while you were in Italy..." Eggsy doesn't like the speculative look Merlin is giving him. 

"Merl? Come on, stop taking the piss! I want to sit in on Roxy's mission, mate. Let me in!" He raises a fist and hammers against thin air. Merlin blinks. Crosses the room to Eggsy. Waves a hand through the clear threshold of the room. 

"There really isn't any barrier, Eggsy. Why would I keep you out?" Merlin exits, watches as Eggsy tries to push himself though the door. It doesn't work. Shit. 

"Your field testing scores have all gone up, haven't they? Aye, strength and endurance have all skyrocketed.." Merlin mutters as he reenters his work space. Rubbing a hand over his head, Merlin curses quietly. He might hail from Edinburgh city but that doesn't mean his Mum didn't tell him the old legends. Werewolves, Banshees, Pookas. 

Vampires. 

He's never believed, he's in his 40's for fuck's sake! But it's the only thing that adds up, logically. And so Merlin takes a deep breath and speaks clearly. 

"You can come in now, Eggsy." It gets him a weird look of confusion from the young man but he crosses easily into the room. 

"Ah, shite. When were you bitten?" Merlin bites out, lifting up his glasses to rub at his eyes because Lee's son is now a fucking vampire. Probably on Merlin's watch too, just his luck. Fucking fantastic! Eggsy does a double-take. How could Merlin have known? Eggsy had forgotten about it himself as it was. He replies after a moment of thinking, mentioning the strange woman Eggsy had shot. 

Merlin sits down heavy into his chair, looking up at Eggsy through tired eyes. 

"You're a vampire, lad." 

****

It takes nearly ten minutes to get Eggsy to stop laughing. It takes another thirty to convince Eggsy that it isn't an elaborate joke with Eggsy as the punchline. 

It takes another hour for Eggsy to truly accept all of the evidence is stacked in favour of him being a, well.. A vampire. An honest-to-religious-figure vampire. 

"I'm a fuckin' bloodsucker," Eggsy wheezes weakly from where he's pushed Merlin (far too easily, like lifting a feather) out of his chair and flopped down in Merlin's stead. "I'm guessin' that's why Rox said she coudn't see m'face in my Snapchats? I thought my camera was jus' broken! Oh god, that night with Harry..." Eggsy buries his face in his hands, blushing. He hadn't just wanted to suck a huge hickey onto Harry's neck, oh no. He'd wanted to fucking suck his blood too! Merlin makes a face. He **really** doesn't want to know. 

"And the sunburn, the aversion to various crucifixes and flinching at any mentions of gods and the like. Also the garlic, not being able to enter a building uninvited as well as your amazing physical health? Bloodsucker it is. I'm very tempted to laugh, you shit," Merlin teases after ticking off all the symptoms that Eggsy hadn't put together himself. "This is what you get for calling _me_ Count Dracula for staying down here all hours. Keeping you lot alive, might I add!" 

He gets a pillow chucked at his head for that. Eggsy groans and asks a question that has Merlin covering his face too. 

"What the fuck am I supposed to tell Harry?"

**Author's Note:**

> Cliffhanger! 
> 
> This really is terrible, I know. The idea wouldn't leave me alone however and here we are, you wondering about Harry's reaction and me facepalming at the terrible story. 
> 
> I promise I'm usually better at this story stuff! Find me at violentcheese on Tumblr! Cheers :)


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